“Everything is blurry, except this dull ache inside of me that doesn’t seem to disappear.”
Some people say “when you’ve finally found your purpose in life, that’s when you’ll die.”
I don’t think so.
Some people die without even realizing it. As for me, I died 4 years ago and I didn’t even notice it. Suddenly my laugh wasn’t the same anymore. My emotions were all over the place and I no longer found happiness in the things which once excited me like reading books, going to the beach, visiting the Spa, Christmas, attending mass, or going out with friends.
Perhaps something broke inside of me all those years ago and I was just too stupid to know; too slow to realize that somewhere along the way I lost parts of me to people or places which didn’t deserve it – so now I have nothing to give to people who ACTUALLY deserves them.
The twinkle in my eyes when I smile, the trembling of my hands before I sing, the warmth and joy of a simple hug, calmness under pressure. I’ve lost them all and I don’t think I could ever get them back. I could never BE back.
Sometimes, on nights like tonight, I stare at the ceiling of my room and feel nothing. Empty, self-aware, breathing but unfeeling. I often ask myself when was the last time I laughed? Like real-my-stomach-hurts-from-laughing-laughter, and I don’t even know. When was the last time my heart beat fast when the love of my life smiled at me? When was the last time sudden hugs made my heart leap out of my chest? When was the last time I looked at my parents and felt warm and fuzzy?
I don’t know. I can’t say.
But somehow, somewhere I lost them. I lost those feelings – and even watching Korean dramas can’t hide the fact that I may never experience them again.
I am empty, un-whole, incomplete and not even the love and warmth of those around me could heal ME.
I long to be alive. I NEED to be alive but I don’t know how. I’m drifting day to day like a ship without a captain.
I lost control of my life and I think I know why.
I’m such a people pleaser, I do everything I can to please everyone around me and it’s emotionally exhausting. I treat everyone around like fragile beings that I forgot that my soul is fragile, too.
I do everything not to hurt others and in the process, I’m hurting myself. I’m losing track of who I am and WHAT I WANT. It makes me obsess about what I can do to keep everyone else happy. Everyone but myself. I am clairsentient too, I can feel what others feel around me: their pent-up anger, frustration, happiness and worst, their lies.
But I cannot change who I am. I am clairsentient and I cannot change that. What I can do is improve my life or improve other’s lives through it. Some people are content to stay behind the curtains but seeing through the curtains is much more difficult than hiding behind it.
Perhaps if I found people who: could actually understand me, who could actually make me feel alive, who could return the sun in my skies, who could infect me with their laughter. People who wouldn’t pressure me, push me, pull me and use me like a puppet on a string. Who would actually look at me and see the sadness behind my eyes? The anxiety that makes me sleep all day that I mask by saying “I’m fine.”
Someone who SEES me, not just someone who knows me.
Sometimes on nights like tonight, I feel alone. I feel that if I were to die – no one will even notice. But, perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps millions of souls feel the same way I do tonight and I’m just being selfish. Time and time again I have questioned how I have the right to feel these because if you watch from the outside, my life seemed perfect.
But you know what kept me going? “Hope”, my favorite writer Emily Dickinson, once said “Hope is the thing with feathers” and I have kept this close to my heart. I keep thinking that I just have to survive another day, hoping that tomorrow will be better. I keep this going until days turn into months and months turn into years and you never realize how much different your life is compared to what’s happened to you before. You realize that the darkness you felt made you appreciate the sunshine even better.
If you’re reading this. I want you to know it’s not just you. There’s me too. I feel the same and your feelings are VALID.
*Blog by Zygel Jamelano*
About the Author:
I am a Business English Professor, I spend my free time making poems, reading or learning another language. I live in a country where mental health is a taboo subject, where students commit suicide without even telling another soul how they felt and worse, where companies won’t hire you when they find out you’re going to a Psychologist. I knew I needed help but I was afraid that if I reached out people will tell me that it’s just a feeling and it will pass, or worse, that I didn’t have a right to feel depressed because my life is better than most. I published this blog to let others who feel the same way as I do, know that they’re not alone. In some other city, some other place, another person feels the way they do. Maybe I can’t help them directly by messaging them or hugging them or lending a hand but at least for a moment, for one night or for a few minutes I can make them feel that there are others like them.
Follow along with Zygel’s journey at https://zeenfinity.com/